Thursday, September 08, 2005

Life is like a Bottomless pit.

The life I live in today feels empty. I am lost. I'm having a great time. My friends are in excellent terms with me, my health is fine, my spoils are increasing and what more can I ask than the amount of free time I have?

Yet somehow, it all doesn't seem as happy as it should. Almost any other student I know would wish for the holidays I currently have. But I don't. I want to go back, or go to college, do something with my life... Life is like a bottomless pit, everyday no matter how much I change my routine, it all feels the same: an intolerable sense of suffering. But why? I don't know.

The friends I have are so loyal and I feel like I've never had friends like the ones I have now: Zim, Jhin, Andre, Binson, Mathew, Colin, and more.. Many ties that I have lost in the past have been fixed and now I feel much calmer with this group of friends. Normally in the past when I was miserable it was due to friends, losing them or worrying about losing them. But now, I haven't got that kind of misery... Something different.

So what is it? I have never asked for much in life, what I have is what I want already... Or is it? Is there something else that I want out there? A relationship? A fling? Something to do everyday? A new friend? I clearly can't decide.

I don't know what I want so I don't know how to cure this pain.

The feeling of dying within and giving myself to the blackness of giving-up.

Everything seems so unimportant except these wounds within me. The frowns I make each day like the blood that seep from my wounds. The deepening disappointment in myself that I feel like the utter pain caused by the wounds.

Let the darkness take me. Let me pass.

What am I missing...?